Discount Boy Genius

Borrowed Guitar

Well I’m sitting here in the dark
Playing on a borrowed guitar
Melodies and harmonies 
suggested by the open strings
But I don’t know which ones to play
Because I don’t have anything to say.

Sitting next to me is my walkman:
Indie rock on a tape
Jealousies and heartbreak 
pouring from an open vein
But I don’t know if I can play
Because I don’t have anything to say.

~1998

The Metal and the Ashes

It’s not what you say
It’s just the metal and the ashes in your eyes
It’s not for today
But it’s the daily desparation of our lives
The fire in your gaze has slowly radiated away
And that might be okay 
’cept for those embers in your wake

I’m not swallowed
By cold water
I’ll just contemplate your face

I won’t drown in
Quicksand fountains
I’ll just watch you glow with rage

It’s not what you say
It’s just the razor twilight glimmer of your smile
There’s not any way
That I could wrap myself in sackcloth for a while
And bargain with the demon 
That has occupied your reason
And evacuate our cell and find a way to dress up well

I can’t answer
Frozen dancer
I’ll just backspin into space.

 

~ 1999

Questless

Just like your lager
This culture’s flat
Maybe I should pour it out again
But I can’t help drinking
Even if it makes me sick
Maybe we should start all over again
Maybe I should cry
Maybe I should work hard and preserve what I’ve got
Cuz even bad beer will get me drunk

They say in cultures
We considered primitive
They believed a camera stole your soul
Well I still believe it
So don’t take a picture of me
I believe that images are cold
And have no souls
I think that’s why the actresses and presidents
and quarterbacks, they all look the same
And it’s driving me insane

What will it take to rescue my vision
From overbearing skepticism
And world-weary cynicism
I don’t think anything’s true
At 23 I’ve lost my moorings
And all the tension just seems boring
I look around and search for glory
But all I see is you
And you look just like me

Now I can’t remember
Ever feeling quite so sick
And right now is the worst time of the day
When I’m sitting, thinking
And most likely drinking
Trying to figure out what made me this way
Is it DNA?
Is it some unyielding force like Calvinists obey?
Cuz that might be okay

But I suspect that there’s no heaven
And who I am is not genetic
If what I’m feeling is depressing
The cause is me or you
I keep on looking for an answer
But all I’m finding is lung cancer
Credit cards and a telecaster 
And this song for you
Do you feel lucky too?
 

~ 2000

Star

I named a star after you
Cuz at that moment I knew
That when the sun came up 
I’d never again see you

~ 1999

Silver Screen

I stepped out of the rain and
Shook off the pouring shame and
Thought up another name and
Paid at the desk

They never check I.D. 
And I’m only 17 
But this ain’t the silver screen 
It’s all I got left

Her hair had silver streaks and
I didn’t need to speak 
Cuz she never missed a beat 
And then it was done

It wasn’t good or bad 
But just like a movie ad 
I doubt the whole world is sad.

I stood alone again and
Walked through the stormy pain and
Reviewed the list of things 
I’ll never explain

Secrets kept from yourself 
And unscripted consequences
I guess I’ll never get to 
See how it ends.

 

~ 1997/98

Lie Or Lay

Let me tell you a story baby
Don’t say anything till I’m through
Cuz it’s only a story baby
I don’t think that makes it true

Let me keep on lyin’, honey
Long as I’m lying here with you
If it’s only a story maybe then I can
Lay the whole the thing out for you

I can’t be more open
and I can’t hardly cope when
I know I should have spoken louder

Let me tell you a story baby 
Now I’ve had time to think it through
Let me make it an allegory
Let me add in a moral too
Let me keep on lying, baby
Long as I’m lying here with you
If it’s only a story maybe then
I can lay the whole thing out for you

Happy ever after
Such a maudlin chapter
Today it doesn't even matter

I’m deconstructing
Scissors and tape
I’m analyzing
Postgraduate
Hypothesizing
Equivocate
I’m hyperreal
Lying in state

I’m not that creative
I can’t rearrange this
True or consequential statement
 

~ 1999

Sovietology

You know all about a place 
that suddenly goes away

Sovietology

All of your calculations 
have turned to alchemy

Sovietology

You lose your name and your chair, 
your work, your enemy

Sovietology

Why can’t we live in a world 
where everything stays the same?

Sovietology

~ 1999

The Voyeur

Well I’m sitting here by my window
And I’m watching you in your bedroom tonight

And I see you putting on your makeup
And I wonder if you’re gonna break up tonight

And then you turn off your lights
I guess your night will be alright

And I’m sitting here in my bedroom
But my mind is fixed on your window tonight 

~ 1999

Winter Storm Warning

Sitting inside and it’s cold
 Look out the window it’s snow
Falling down fast and then slow
 Covering up the whole road
Nobody else seems to know
 Guess they’ve got places to go
But I’m sitting here in my den
 Thinking about you again
Wondering where you have been
 Wondering if we’re still friends
Or is it all just pretend
 Now that it’s winter again

Looking outside in the dark
 maybe I’ll go for a walk
If I went out and got lost
 then I could see what I’ve got
I could end up somewhere near
 A magic mountain out there
Or maybe I’d find someone new
 Somebody better than you
It can’t be that hard to do
 If I could just leave this room
There’s lots of places to go
 Out in the wind and the snow
 

~ 1998

Empty Driveway

And if they didn’t have a word for fuck-up
Well I guess we would’ve had to make it up
And if I never had discovered alcohol
I would’ve found some other drug and taken it up
And if I hadn’t ever met you
There’s a million other means of breaking up

Panes of colored glass
When I’m driving past your empty driveway

And just because you didn’t want me
Well it doesn’t mean I wasn’t good enough
And just because this glass is empty
Well you shouldn’t think that I have drunk enough
And just because of how I’m feeling
Well it doesn’t mean that I have sunk enough

Memories flood back
When I’m driving past your empty driveway
 

~ 1998

Everyhow and Everyway (Lo-Fi Love)

Last week I lost my walkman
I left it on a plane
I tried so hard to find it anyhow and anyway

I lost my hope the next day
It slowly faded away
I didn’t bother searching anyhow or anyway

I lost you
I lost you
I let you slip away

I lost you
I lost you
Everyhow and everyway

I lost my job the other day
I couldn’t keep the pace
I need to find a new one anyhow and anyway

I lost my wits just yesterday
I should have kept away
I tried so hard to keep ’em anyhow and anyway

I lost you, etc.

[LO-FI LOVE]

I lost my heart this morning
I let you tear it away
I need to find a new one anyhow and anyway

I’ve lost my heart again and again
I can’t get you to stay
Now I don’t bother trying anyhow or anyway

I lost you, etc. 

~ 1997

If Laws Are Outlawed Only Outlaws
Will Have Laws

I want a bumper-sticker slogan
I want to peel the paper backing off 
the meaning of my life
I know the world’s not black and white,
But maybe with some color graphics,
A gawdy heart that’s taken to mean love
I could know where to go next

Take this choice away from me
Cuz I don’t know the rules
I don’t know the borderline
Between your life and mine
Two separate timelines
That intersect crosswise
I guess I’ll just have to guess.

I want a clever t-shirt motto
I want a catalog of save-the-planet 
mascots to leaf through
I guess it’s only laziness
It’s much too hard to form opinions
I hate the sinners but I love the sin
I feel only remoteness

Take this choice away from me
Cuz I can’t understand
I don’t ever realize
I have to move again
Always caught off-guard
In permanent protest
Who knows what will happen next
 

~ 1999 or 2000

Hartmeyerstrasse

I haven’t seen you in a long long time
But I know you’re still a great friend of mine
And this morning when you woke me on the telephone
I felt the bitterness of being such a long way 
   from home

I know you called cuz you had no one else to turn to
And I guess you knew I’d always be here for you
But there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot that I 
   could say
And it doesn’t help that I must be a half a
   world away

I thought I had problems
Just the same as all of us
But when I heard you fighting back the tears today
And trying to be strong
It made me understand this state you’re in
Where everything’s gone wrong

I know once upon a time I was in love with you
And it seems a million years since I broke up with you
But ever since that time I’ve only wished for 
   you the best
And it hurts to know your life’s become a 
   horrifying mess

It sounds like a soap opera plot
But it’s terrifying knowing that it’s not
And when I talked to you today
Calling me from six time zones away
I couldn’t help your pain
Cuz there was nothing comforting to say

And is it ever gonna be ok
You’re living in a situation that I can’t
   believe today
Is it ever gonna be alright
When all that you can hope for is to make it through 
  another night

And I just hope your luck will change
And something will make up for all of these days
Remember I’ll be here for you
You know that I still care for you
If everything in your life falls apart I still 
   need you

And is it ever gonna be ok
Will all the pressures and the problems ever start 
   to go away
And is it ever gonna be alright
Just trust your heart and know you’re strong
And cry yourself to sleep tonight
 

~ 1998

Open Strings

You’ve got a perfect balance of joy and tension
No overwrought hysterics and no artificial fluff
You let me in a world of your own invention
There’s no one else allowed here:
There’s barely room enough for us.

Do you exist or is it imagination?
Just my interpretation of someone else’s inpiration?
I end up thinking of you while I’m lyin’ here in bed
I wouldn’t want to lose the sound of your words 
   ringing in my head

I keep on hoping that you’ll be mine forever
Unveiling all your secrets and leading me unto 
   salvation
You let me make believe we belong together
No time for other things
I just wanna hear your open strings
 

~ 1999

Lottery Ticket

I bought a lottery ticket
I want to quit my job
I want to move to the desert
I want to sing my song
I want to sit and write poems
I want to count the stars
I want to walk through a wasteland
I want to wander far

I bought a lottery ticket
I fly with wings of fire
I stand alone in the darkness
I stumble like a child
I hide each night in my bedroom
I pull the covers high
I wait for something to find me
I know it will sometime

I bought some paint and a paintbrush
I want to paint my walls
I want to paint them like Dali
I hope that someone calls
I saw a book in a bookstore
A world that isn’t real
I dream of going to somewhere
Some place where I can feel

~ 1995

One-String Guitar

Bought a guitar with only one string
Ain’t good for nothing but I made it sing
Sounds kinda heavy, it sounds kinda mean
Won’t make a chord but it makes my head ring

Bought a guitar must be fifty years old
Out at a flea market rusty and cold
Black velvet strap but it’s covered in mold
One metal string that is shining like gold

Oh! One-string guitar!

Spent fifteen bucks for a one-string guitar
Acoustic but with a whammy bar
Carry around so I look like a star
Won’t stay in tune but I won’t take it far

Oh! One-string guitar!
 

~ May 17, 1998

Pretend These Are Records #08

So I’ve been playing guitar for something like a decade now. For most of that time, I have been writing songs, and they have been piling up in my brain, many of them incomplete, many of them tantalizingly good-sounding. Around my birthday a year ago, I was feeling introspective and tried to compile a list of all the songs I’ve written. It took about a week, and afterwards, my reaction was something like, Jesus, I should do something with all of these. Dozens of songs that would disappear from the world if I got hit by a bus…

In August or September, I recorded a few of my old songs and called it Let’s Make the Prequel First. I intended for this to be kind of a continuing series, but when I recorded three or four more once back in Poland, I decided to try for a whole album’s worth. I totally enjoyed doing this; I kept on thinking I was wrapping it up and then I had some new idea to throw in or some new (old) song that I wanted to try out.

“Discount Boy Genius” was one of my old fake band names that I thought I could use for a recording like this. It seemed appropriate to resurrect it here.

I still have more old songs that I haven’t recorded, but from here on out it would be kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel. I am siked to go back to working on new songs now that this is finally done; it took for fucking ever.

~ Łomża, March 2004

All songs by Jeff Gerhard the Discount Boy Genius. Recorded in winter 2003 – 2004 in Łomża, Poland via my usual Rube Goldberg techniques, except “Lottery Ticket” recorded by Flood and produced by Daniel Lanois. (Join Amnesty International!)

These songs were written in 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, and 2000.