Monologue

Never dared to really think this could be my life—
so crazy normal.
And it’s cool, but honestly I’m not sure it fits,
I mean, I’ve been resisting it for all my life.
Does this make any sense?  It sounds completely 
stupid if I try to say it out loud.
But it’s like this insane resistance to the 
trappings of ordinary life.  
I didn’t know what I wanted but somehow 
it was easy to resist 
societal demands for a stable job, wife and kids.
And I can’t even fully admit to myself
that I would want those ordinary things. 
Even now.
Like, when I was walking over here tonight,
I had this sudden vision of my children 
walking the same way some day.  
My god, I never really thought about kids 
before in my life.  
It’s such a change in worldview.  
A new Weltanschauung.  
It came so suddenly I’m still reeling.  
What happened anyway?  
Is this something I can trust?  
I really want to and I’m trying to 
but it’s still alien to me.  
Do you get this at all?  I’m still excited 
but kinda freaked out at the same time.  
Anyway yes I am happy just dealing with 
new territory 
which is never so easy for me…

~ 2002/03